I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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