i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
