Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
