Pants 0. Shit 1.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
