At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
