omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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