True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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