My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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