Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
i've created a new STD.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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