do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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