I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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