My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
