Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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