You're my little dorito
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
