doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
