Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
