I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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