I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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