My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
