Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
