I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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