I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
