Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
