did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
