Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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