honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
