I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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