how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
