he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
