I can text with my tongue
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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