Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
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I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I want a musical about memes.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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