Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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