Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
