yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
