She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
