i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
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Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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