Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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