I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
