it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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