Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
