Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize