you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
