I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
