i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
