I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I currently don't understand fingers.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
