I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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