I just threw up on my dentist
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
