So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
they're like a gay fantastic four
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
