So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.