my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.