This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?