even my farts smell like vagina
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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