the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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