If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
