Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
