Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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