I wanna bring you to show and tell
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
